So, today is New Year’s Eve… probably best known as the day “EVERYONE” drinks, gets drunk, ties one on, gets schnockered, shit faced… but why?? Is it because we’re saying GOODBYE to 2018 or HELLO to 2019?? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?!?
A few weeks ago when I tried to figure out what hubby and I should be up specifically this evening especially since we stopped drinking I was stressed out to the MAX! I actually was thinking that if he and I stayed “on the wagon” until tonight, that maybe just MAYBE we could make this ONE exception and actually drink tonight, but not in excess, but have a couple….
Since then, I have totally and utterly reconsidered this thought. There is a part of me that would like to do just that… but I feel like I have actually and sincerely accomplished something bigger than any pint of beer or glass of wine could ever… and I don’t want to start over back at Day 1 tomorrow if I were to decide to have that 1 beer or 1 glass of wine… but then what if that one turned into two and so on?!? That would be on par with hubby and my old track record. Kind of like the old Pringles commercial, “Once you pop, you can’t stop!”
Still, I don’t want to throw away all I’ve accomplished thus far. Drinking seriously is NOT worth it (I KNOW THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING NOW ACTUALLY), but STILL in that moment, the moment I take that first swig of beer or wine… it feels so good, so exciting and even liberating…. but what then?!?! What follows the morning after… I’m stuck in the suffering of the aftermath of the negative feelings that so often surround me after a night of drinking.
Originally and prior to hubby and I deciding to FINALLY quit drinking, I had found a New Year’s Eve party taking place downtown, not far from where we live. It sounded like SO MUCH FUN!! Drinks galore, dancing, more drinking, music, drinks, people watching, drinking, drinking, peeing (probably lots and lots of that, LOL)… getting loud, rowdy maybe a wee bit, smiling, laughing, being naughty (maybe just a little with hubby ;-))… more and more drinking… sounds like a blast… doesn’t it?!?! It still does to me (I must admit)… BUT I’m not going to do it. I’m just not. That ship has sailed without me this time and I am not going to get on board any longer.
Hubby and I did consider still attending this party since we quit drinking, for a short time… but we have decided to steer clear of it and parties that like it at LEAST for the time being. Even though we do NOT want to go back to drinking everyday or even at all…. the idea of the free-flowing beer is just a bit too tempting AT THIS TIME. I am hopeful there will come a day and a time where we can be surrounded by people drinking and free drinks and not even think twice about having any. I do look forward to that day, I hope it comes.
With all of this, right now I feel kind of lost and unsure of who I am, or what I want to do, or what makes me fun to be around. I still am feeling very insecure and self-conscience of who I am and how I look. I’m feeling very dull, (not mentally like when I’m buzzed or hung over) and simply just boring to be around. I don’t feel like I have much spark or that I’m full of life… like I use to be and have, especially when I was drinking.
I not only want to… but I NEED to find ME somehow, someway. I think if I can do that, my relationship and marriage to hubby will only get better and stronger. Right now everything seems just stagnant and I am hoping that by me admitting this and facing the truth that things will start to change for me, for hubby, for he and I TOGETHER — ALL FOR THE BETTER!! That’s my hope anyway.
I am hopeful what comes of the new year that is knocking at my door as I type this, is tremendous changes that are only good, positive, optimistic. I want to cross over and become healthier and in shape again so I can feel self-confident with myself not only physically but also emotionally and mentally too. Just a much better version of who has been buried deep within me now for far too long… my true self.
So for today, hubby is finishing up his day at work and I think we are going to grab a NYE lunch instead of dinner since the later it gets, the busier it gets at all the restaurants and we didn’t make any reservations anywhere! But then we might go see a movie (thinking about going to see Aquaman), but we aren’t 100% on the movie thing, yet. We do have a hotel room reserved already (YES, it is a king room with a hot tub, LOL) only a few miles from home, but we are thinking about cancelling it. Not because we don’t want to go (soaking in a hot tub is ALWAYS a wonderful thing…), but maybe it might be nice to just stay home since we were gone over the weekend is what we are thinking…. we could instead put a fire in and just stay in tonight. I’m sure our 6 animals would appreciate that if we do decide to stay home… plus if we do end up staying home we are talking about making something simple for dinner like homemade mexican dip sound INCREDIBLY YUMMY at the moment to me! Then we we could still play some of those games we have taken a liking too and even throw in some of those shows we have been enjoying to watch too! Not to forget, we could just sleep in and enjoy hubby’s full day off tomorrow. Our 2 kids come back to us tomorrow (our son and our youngest daughter… she gets back from Florida later today)… so we could prepare for their arrival and for the shift back to normalcy on Wednesday when we will need to get them up and back into school schedule mode!
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how the day and evening pan out from here forward…
I wish you ALL a very safe and Happy New Year’s Eve!