Day 41: Staying sober & looking to get strong!

Today will be day 41 of remaining sober.  I haven’t felt this good overall for so long ( even though I haven’t started reliably working out… I can only imagine how good I’ll feel when I start getting back into shape again).  It’s just been very pleasant to not be foggy all day and it is really refreshing to actually be getting a better night’s sleep more often than not nowadays.  I still at times feel anxious or kind of a panic attack set in and as such my heart rate goes up.  Sometimes I know why but other times it just blind sides me and I have to sit there all anxious.  It has gotten less I’m glad to report, but it still does happen from time to time.

Last week, I blogged how I was (still am if all goes well!) fully planning on starting my daily working out plan.  I certainly need to in every possible way.  I think if I do it will help maybe even the anxiety I sometimes experience like I mentioned above.  Plus my self-confidence and my self-esteem is NON EXISTENT I’m sad to say.  I often feel like I don’t have much self-worth.  It’s such a shitty feeling…. I know when I met my hubby (it’ll be 8 years ago next month!) I was in the best shape of my life and I was very confident and had a pretty good self-esteem.  I just felt comfortable in who I was and even how I looked.  I didn’t shy away from anything or anyone or outings.  That behavior and is now the norm I’m sad to report.

So, I decided yesterday morning I was going to get a fresh weight and waist measurement for a “starting” point.  Good God, I wish I hadn’t, but deep down knew it wasn’t going to be good or anything I liked about it but it was just something I needed to do.  If I’m going to embark on this journey of becoming fit again, it is only right to be honest to myself and to document it… both the good and the not so good.  It would be highly satisfying to eventually be able to look back and see where I started at and where I end up.  Granted, this time it’s going to be different in pretty much every way.  Well, that’s my plan anyway.  This is going to be a lifelong change for me.

Starting weight as of yesterday: 142.4 lbs. – with that said, I am actually down 5 lbs in the last month.  About a week or so after I quit drinking I weighed myself and I was 147.6 lbs. so I guess I have took another positive step (one huge step being that I quit drinking and I haven’t had a drop in 41 days!), a small one that is – in the right direction.

Starting waist measurement as of yesterday: 37″. 😦 😦  I am absolutely appalled, disgusted, saddened, embarrassed… you name any negative feeling, I probably felt it yesterday.

I am by no means a large framed gal.  Most of my life I didn’t weigh much more than 110 lbs and wore size 3 jeans, size small shirts, was a 32-34 A cup, with maybe 34-35″ hips.  Only when I was pregnant with my 2 girls (5 years apart) did I EVER break, the 120, 130 and eventually the 140 mark and that was at 9 months pregnant!!

Flashback to a year ago I decided to try my hand at another workout program (online) at that point I was 133 lbs and had a 35″ waist (started 1 year ago today actually).  I’m a full 2 inches more “round” in the MOST unhealthy way possible (around my waist) and 10 lbs heavier.  That is what I got out of drinking all that beer and wine, nothing good, nothing productive, JUST more weight and out of shape.  Drinking SERIOUSLY robbed me of EVERYTHING good and positive in my life.  It took about everything that made me, ME.  It stole away from me the woman who was me.  I can only hope I will be able to find her again.

This past weekend went okay.  Hubby and I encountered some ups and downs with one another, but as always we are making our back to normalcy but during that time it sets us back and makes us both feel like shit.  We continue to learn more about each other every day.  Sometimes it is good and sometimes it’s not.  I guess that’s just to be expected.  The one thing that never changes is our desire to work it out, no matter what it may be.  We mutually want to spend forever with one another.  Ultimately that is really all that matters.

Friday we worked and then we stopped and got some frozen fish fillets, kale and quinoa and brown rice.  That all was absolutely delicious and easy peasy to boot!  Saturday was more work and then we went to grab a bite at Big Boy.  I got a cup of loaded chili and a baby greek salad.  Later that even we made a spicy chicken kung pao stir fry with brown rice and green beans.  It was a recipe from one of my healthy go-to sites I follow and it turned out better than I expected.  I’m not a huge fan of Asian food, but I LOVE extra hot thai food especially, go figure!!  LOL!  For dinner last night we WERE going to have lamb shoulder chops and a greek veggie salad, BUT because we went unhealthy for lunch yesterday (later in the day) dinner got pushed off.  We went to a pizza place and got a pizza for a change of pace to get us out of the house.  It’s a bar type of place and usually we’d get 2 mugs of beer EACH (at least) but it was no big deal to just get a couple of Cokes instead (that was the first coke in 6 days that I had)!  Much later I ended up making a lean pocket and had a a banana with peanut butter for dinner, while hubby reheated the leftover pizza up.  It is one of his favs, it was a thin crust with pepperoni, mushroom, green peppers, and onions.

I’ve been doing pretty well in the drinking water as for the last week plus.  I added an app on my phone that will remind me pretty regularly and where I can actually log how much I drink.  Because it pesters me so often it absolutely helps me keep hydrated.  Which then leads me to the bathroom quite frequently!  LOL!!  Sorry if TMI!  But it’s nice to actually go use the bathroom when you are actually hydrating yourself instead of “breaking the seal” every night while drinking and dehydrating yourself constantly.

One of my biggest hopes when I start working out regularly by A. quitting drinking almost a month and a half a go, B. by increasing my water intake over a week ago, C. by getting better, more restful sleep and D. by making wiser food choices in most ways – that the working out will just go overall better.  Not necessarily easier, just better.  When I tried to do a work out a month ago (only 10 days after quitting) I last all of 5 minutes on my elliptical type machine and I wasn’t even pushing myself very hard.  I thought I was going to keel over… no joke.

With that said, there’s a race every year downtown… a 5k, 8k and 10 mile (not far from home) that is a big deal.  Hubby and I have done it several times over the years we’ve been together and it is always a blast.  The last several off and on, we’ve done it only that is was a sad attempt (on my part).  Ultimately I think it would be awesome to be able to get into good enough shape to run the whole thing (in 2017 we did it and I had to walk a little) and finish it under 25 minutes.  Yeah, right now that seems like an impossible task… but it would be such an accomplishment.

I’m trying to build up my courage, but mostly it’s about the scheduling to start crossfit.  I think it would do me WONDERS!  I actually know I’d enjoy it thoroughly and it would aid me to get to where I would like to be.  I like the thought about pushing myself for me and bettering me.  I’m not trying to beat anyone else, just myself.  I like that idea of it.  Maybe I should focus on that and NOT on all the things I’m going to not be able to do immediately?!?!  The closest place has odd hours which seems kind of the norm around my area… opened real early, closed mid-day and then reopens for a couple hours early evening… it makes hubby and I going together almost impossible… UNLESS we just get our butts out of bed and be there at 5am, which I don’t know if that is a realistic thing for us that we’d be able to come accustom to and to make it a lifestyle change?!  That is the probably the BIGGEST issue holding us back from signing up and trying out crossfit.  But I want to, I really do… as I know it’ll be a huge challenge yet so rewarding overall!

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4 thoughts on “Day 41: Staying sober & looking to get strong!

  1. DebbieDub – reading this made me feel so happy! You’re describing exactly how I’ve felt in my sobriety. Free from the fog and getting myself back. And the sleep I’m getting now and started to get almost right from the beginning – I honestly sleep like a queen, solid 7-8 hours per night of uninterrupted, quality sleep. It’s bliss.

    You’ll be back into running before you know it and any pesky excess kilos will fall off. Most people seem to lose weight quite quickly when they stop drinking (although I, annoyingly, am not one of them!!) so I’m sure you’ll sooner rather than later find that it’ll all come together. Just reading this, despite how you say your self worth is at a low still, there is so much joy and hope jumping out at me when I read this. And whatever and wherever you need to build, you’ll be able to do it sober.

    You go take those challenges on – you’ve totally got this. Just reading this made me feel energised, you must be a real vitamin injection in person. So go dazzle!

    Anna xx

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    1. Hi Anna and thank you so much for your comments. I am sorry I have taken a couple days to reply to your comments. Life has been busy and I hadn’t had a chance to reply other than reading your comments and approving them earlier int he week. So my apologies with the delayed reply.

      You really made my day with your comments and I highly appreciate your honesty. My sleep has continued to improve which I am glad about and just over all more alive and not brain dead in ways. I’m firing more on all cylinders so to speak without being in the constant daze.

      I haven’t lost much weight, but am feeling still better overall. SO I can’t really complain although I still don’t fit into my clothes how I’d like. My middle section bulges while the rest of me is still my normal size. I swear to you, it looks like I could pass like I’m a few months pregnant, but definitely am NOT. So that’s an ongoing frustration, to say the very least.

      The optimism you gave off in your reply brought tears in my eyes… in a good way… someone I just met online actually knows EXACTLY how I feel …is just an amazing realization. You have given me so much hope with such few positive words, you just have no idea! Thank you from the bottom of heart, truly. You’ve added an extra twinkle of hope in my being because you shared what you did with me. Maybe I am just waiting to come (back) alive and truly radiate like I once did before. 🙂

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  2. Argh! I thought I’d commented but it disappeared! Anyway, I just wanted to say you’ve captured how sobriety feels for me too – got myself back, out of the fog, blissful sleep, etc. Also wanted to say you come across as an absolute sparkler so it pains me to think your self worth is low right now – sobriety will have it come right I’m sure, and besides, you have a complete stranger sitting here (moi!) smiling and feeling energised just reading your words so you’ve got to be doing something right, no? 🙂
    Have an awesome day and get those trainers on! xx

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